The cold chill of the salty breeze hit my bare skin as I stood in the dark of the porch, coiled and wound up inside, leaning against the wooden railing. Earlier, I had felt the reckless need to leave my shirt unbuttoned - perhaps it was the mood of the evening, perhaps it was the company, but now alone, and hidden from view, I ripped off my buttons gasping for breath, in the chilly night. I did not care for the chill. Every muscle in me felt taut. Like the black silhouette of a panther, perched in the dark of the tree, relaxed, dozing, yet awake, muscles taut and glistening, ready to pounce on its prey. I could feel a relentless ache, deep inside, and coursing through all my bodily muscles as they grew tauter in a stranglehold, unlike anything I had ever felt before. Raw desire had made my throat parched dry, yet this was not thirst, nor would I allow it to possess me. I breathed softly, cautiously, staggering, holding on to the railings, feeling my body’s cry for air, in pain, more from passion than from the cold. I looked aimlessly into the night, watching the moon, as it rippled and broke on the surface repeatedly over the rolling waves.
I could hear her voice and an occasional laugh, and his, whispers, softly in the calm of the night, from the living room. Many a time I had turned and watched her guiltily, hidden from view, yet, at other times, I refused to turn, fighting the unknown enemy that was within me. I would not dare show my emotions, never ever to her. I could see her, imagine rather, resting casually against his chest, her head thrown back, happy in abandon, looking exceptionally beautiful, making my heart skip a beat in pain. There is something so beautiful about a woman when she is happy, that makes me wish the world would stop and let myself be lost in her warmth. Yet these moments weren’t mine to ask. I would not dare, lest my thoughts cast a shadow on her delight.
She had smiled kindly at me, yet, tonight, I had hoped my smile wouldn’t betray my feelings, but her gaze had lasted a moment longer, and I knew I had failed miserably. The man with her was exceptional, charming, and all care, hovering over her, I realized I was but a far cry of a man than him, and she glowed and melted in his presence. I couldn’t help but notice, torn by the guilt of my own emotions, of her exquisite elegance, of how her clothes, though dressed extremely modest, not a trace of skin exposed, followed the lines of her body, flattering her not so modest curves. Today they seemed to hug her skin even more, showing her curves and I caught my breath sharply at the way her breasts curved in to meet at her chest. I was acutely aware of her breasts gently brushing against his chest, often, as she stood close to him, melting easily into his arms, in his love, looking up at his face, oblivious to the world. They were lost in each other, and I stood excruciatingly aware that I would betray my emotions sooner or later.
So I stood, out in the chill safety of the open moonlit night, helplessly sensing their sensual abandon. As the night wore, and everyone retired, I stayed yet, in the shadows, fighting myself, waiting, not knowing the next move. I heard them leave, turned and saw them from where I was, arm in arm, and I could sense her body stretched against his, full of desire perhaps. They would make love soon, for sure – the body language left nothing to imagination.
It was dark and still, and no one was about. Soon I saw them walk out into the sand, holding hands, close against each other. She seemed to playfully weave away as his hands sought to touch her modesty, but she moved back in close for more, obviously loving the moments, brushing against him in a game of unbridled desire. I stood breathless, afraid, as he pushed her roughly against an old table bench under the shade of the trees. No! I cried in my mind, please, not now. But I knew it was futile. I heard her soft cry and his deep laugh as she arched back on the table his hands played at her body and then his mouth buried into her, amidst gasps, as her hands and legs beat at him helplessly.
They parted momentarily and I saw her fair skin, and I sensed her top had been ripped open in that embrace. Yet she didn’t seem to feel the cold. But neither could I and I was but a burning cauldron of fire. He had one of her legs hooked by the knees, her body almost dangling free onto the table and her other leg hung limp and free by the side of the table. He had her dress bunched up at her waist, his hands moving vigorously just under them as she writhed, almost in pain, her hands tearing into his chest, helplessly. And then he held her legs parted wide, wider and in the most unwomanly of ways possible, and then he coupled into her, hard, the faint moan and the gasp sounding like a distant explosion under the breeze. I feared the table wouldn’t hold as they were half stretched over the table in a vicious embrace of passion and I could hear her frenzied faint passionate cries in the still of the night, barely audible, yet very unlike a moan, as he moved silently and relentlessly into her. She was arched against him, joined at the navel, rising with him as if in fear, as he moved back, only to fall back crashing heavily again and again, onto the table, as he raked into her body, increasing in speed. I staggered in pain, breathing labouredly, their passion drowning my own silent cries of desire. They climaxed in a furious frenzy, and the momentum did not die, they kept going long after they were spent, and stayed coupled in one another a long time. I probably heard her purring occasionally as I stood frozen in place, desiring, yet furiously full of guilt, not wanting to move, breathless and almost dizzy, and feeling faint from the unrelenting pain of want and yet not wanting. I was so ashamed, yet at the same time so unashamed.
I stayed motionless in my pain and watched them make love twice more, enduring it, secretly loathing myself for having relished it. At long last, they retired to their rooms exhausted, laughing under their breaths, perhaps at their reckless love making. The way she repeatedly gathered her clothes around herself I knew they were in shreds. She staggered, perhaps in pain, when she tried to walk, and he caught her against him, and leaned across to massage her thighs. Her light embarrassed laugh hung in the chill of the night. They finally made it to their beds and their lights dimmed, and I fell to my knees, gasping for breath, and shivering uncontrollably. I wondered if I could survive this pain. I wondered if I would want to survive this pain. Yet in my thoughts, I caught myself having noticed them not having had time to use protection and perhaps, perhaps, she would milk soon, her breasts much larger, wouldn’t hers be sweet and soft to tongue and taste, wouldn’t he feed hungrily on her sweet milk to his hearts content …
I then realized sadly that I was forever damned, beyond redemption, for harboring such thoughts.